Thursday the 26th

This morning's clutter: An earplug carrying case. It went to the lobby.

Results: This afternoon I went to get a free screening for mouth, neck, and throat cancers. No reason to think I needed it, just saw the ad and thought I may as well get it checked out. I was looked at by a very funny, charming doctor a little older than me, who I found adorable. He said everything looked good and sent me on my way. Through the entire screening I was thinking, "Are you married?" So I asked the nurses about him downstairs. They weren't sure who he was, so I figured it was a missed chance and left. Then I went right back in and asked if there was a way to leave him a message. The nurse gave me a pad of paper and said to go for it. She even said she'd put in a good word for me.

I felt a little silly, but also recognized that opportunity doesn't knock every day and if I think someone is cute, why not tell him? He'll call me or not - that isn't the point. The point is to go for what I want in life. Otherwise, who am I kidding? If I want to be married and have kids, I have to put myself out there. I've been saying I want this my entire adult life, but what I've been committed to since living in New York is being alone. It's easy to know what you're committed to - it's where you spend most of your time and energy. We all tell ourselves that certain things are priorities, but the truth is, if we don't spend time on those things, they aren't really priorities.

What I've seen this week is that my whole identity is wrapped up in my wanting to be married and have kids. It's like I don't know who I am outside of this desire. AND, it's preventing me from actually having what I want, because the identity is not in the having, but in the wanting. Letting go of the wanting means letting go of who I am. Convoluted? Yeah. And I suspect very common - that is, the overall issue of identifying with certain beliefs or characteristics and then being unable to let them go due to the fear of losing one's identity.

In noticing what's going on, I get the option to choose to be committed to what I want instead of just wanting it. We'll see what happens!